All of this reminds me of chapter 21 of the Little Prince with the fox: their encounter happens every day, same time, same place... waiting for each other, building up memories, sitting every day a bit closer. It's to tame, and it's beautiful in itself. Sometimes it's sweetness that we can't afford though. I fear my own tenderness too. 

As I refrain from expressing my vulnerable share, I walk back home with the horrible feeling I have been hidden, with my guards up, and left you with something unclear which looks like a rejection of your friendship, which I didn't mean to.

Puppetry, why.

"What brings you here?" 

Oliver, the Puppetry Course teacher, is asking the question to each of us, 15 people in a room.

I got fascinated by "The Dance of Reality" book, Alejandro Jodorowsky's autobiography. He ran away from his dysfunctional family at 17yrs, and ended up living with two artists, two sisters who were making puppets shows. He started himself making puppets, and used for representing himself in conversation with his dad. He said "they" spoke as never before. He was able to contact and "guess" feelings (his own and his dad's ones) he was mostly unaware of.  This makes me think that puppets help us to express beyond our known capacities, allowing some sort of healing (*).

In Non violent communication, the inventor Marshall Rosenberg often uses puppets to show conflict resolution dynamics and how to speak empathically. Again, using a fictional character help to detach enough from the situation and see better.

But more than anything, I am in a Puppetry course because of a dream and an encounter.

In the dream, I was maneuvering a string marionette on a staircase, while a guy was teaching me how to make it walk. I woke up with a sort of excitement. I had to look more into this.

Then I went to meet Lesley Butler, artist and puppet shop's owner in London. She opens the shop only on request. She asked me straight away the same question "what brings you here?"

I said "I had a dream". She widened her eyes

"Oh that's how I started....        What do you do in life?"

I said "I am a photographer" 

"oh, I have been a photoreporter too, before this! What else you can tell me of yourself? Tell me more"

I mumble, "mmm I have been studying classics for a long time, you know, Greek, Latin..." 

"Me too!!!"

"Let's stop here for now" I say, laughing (afraid to have a spoiler on my life). "Would you show me which puppets you have here....??"

So the idea to explore puppetry has been there for a while... And I can  already see in this course I'll find even more reasons.

For sure the magic of it, from the making to the acting.

This video about puppets and perception makes a point on how it can increase IQ and emotional intelligence, to function better in groups, in leadership, to make decisions.

It also highlights how we function as human beings, in general. How much reactive are we? or meneuverable by different parts of our brain? It makes me think to Collodi's story of Pinocchio... It's like... we need to learn, in this life, how to come to life.

"A puppet is a dead objects that strives to live" (quoted video)

So that's my why, for now. 

Two lessons and we have already made breathing common things: a shoe, a stick, a music stand, a mop-pad...

Let's see what comes next...

-------

* "To be born into a family, Jodorowsky says, is to be possessed. To peer back into our past is equivalent to digging into our own souls. If we can dig deep enough, beyond familial projections, we shall find an inner light--a light that can help us through life’s most difficult tests".

Getting ready for change

 The first time I slept in this house I have cried of joy.

I have lived in many places and still I have never felt "at home" like here.

My bright room pointing east, with the sun that wakes me up through the large window. A call to life, it's a new day and I mean to shine. 

My many books and diaries all around. I don't have to squeeze myself or hide. Feels safe here, to be me.

The spaciousness in the house, the silence in the neighbourhood. Our garden with strawberries and robins. The stairs where I'd play the drum. 

My bathroom walls painted of the colour of the sky in a sunny day. I now know every bathroom should have that colour. 

The funny painting in the kitchen and the positive messages spread around. The cards on the table that we pick up as a game, since I arrived. The stoves position, that allows us to cook and still face the guests, have a chat.

My housemates, who have been enlightened friends, never a drama: we have grown up together, sharing a similar vision and heart. Our nourishing atmosphere at home, that surprises so many in London.

I'll miss the little heartwarming surprises that we leave for each other, cakes, cards, flowers...despite I am sure that's just part of who we are, we'll bring wherever we go.

I'll miss the house games, us painting the windows for Christmas, making little puppets, colouring, making candles, making cheese, all the creativity that comes out when you don't want to have a TV. I am sure we'll keep talking, with that depth and lightness that is so familiar now.

I was also allowed to spread around my (around 30) house plants, that we comment sometimes. The avocados are doing well. Tati says they are cute to most of them, and they must be listening, as they're growing well. I am now unsure if I can bring all with me, or leave them to be adopted through the plant swap group..

Here it's a place full of babies. Since I have arrived I have seen 3 housemates getting pregnant, and the neighbors upstairs had 2 children, one baby the neighbors downstairs. If I stay a little longer, I might see my housemates give birth to their baby in this house too.

We have seen David, the old man living downstairs, departing in an ambulance after days of silence, sadly never came back. It felt so cold to step in his house, and yet I can feel peace now when I think to him.

We also believe there's a kind house ghost in our home, who said, with a woman voice, hello to Dan while sleeping, and once knocked to my door. Tatiana, whose father is Russian, call the ghost Domovoy.

We once discussed we needed a plumber and the next day we found on a side table an old receipt for a plumber, with address and telephone number (over ten years old). None of us had taken it out. To be fair I have also seen a bowl and a pot suddenly shake on their own, and I have discovered I can act fairly cool in front of a poltergeist (it was pandemic, it is good to know we are not that alone...) 

I have also never been in an house where fixing things is so fast and efficient, like a blessed spell. When Dan has joined us, his tools and "man power" have brought an extra sense of safety and reliability, while Tatiana has always been the kindest problem solving mind of the house. 

I will miss the river only one minute away. Some water nearby makes a huge difference in our spirit. The river path to/from work, changing colours at every season.

I am not ready to leave this home, but seems I will shortly. I walk through its rooms, real and metaphoric ones, all the things happened here and that have made this house special...I think to this today, as a way to celebrate this part of my life... and let it go.

We are never ready for changes. I know this change is pushing me forward to the next version of me and new experiences.

 By the time I move out, I'll make sure to say everyday thank you home. And while I wrote this I am once more reassured. 

Home is a feeling..

I will not agree any more

 By

Arnina Kashtan

I will not agree any more

that they talk to me like this

and tell me how things should be

and explain to me why I am not ok

and shout at me to shut down

and teach me what is right

and how it is totally forbidden to behave

and why it is totally forbidden to talk like this

and try all the time

to change me

and try incessantly

again and again

to tame me

and imprison me 

in their prisons

And all this in the name of Love

And that they curse

and threat

and hit

and kill

and destroy buildings

and uproot trees

and burn factories

and choose wrong people

and fire temporary workers

and lie

but decide for me what the right religion is

And all this in the name of Justice

And that they force

and don’t respond

and turn their backs

and don’t ask forgiveness

and don’t check before they take

and slam doors

and hit before they leave

and don’t pick up a crying child

and rape

and pay more to CEO’s

and drop airplanes

and conquer lands

And all this in the name of Respect

And that they write every day

who murdered who

and who raped

and who cheated

and who escaped

and who confiscated

and who became famous again

and how many poors there are in this moment

because there isn’t enough for all

and that the planet is at danger

and that Coca Cola is the taste of life

And all this in the name of Truth

I will not agree any more

that I talk to me like this

and tell me how I should

and shout at me what is right

and believe that I am not ok

and think that I am screwed up

and that I will never heal

and read everything you are writing

and think that this is reality

and get up in the morning 

and first thing check how I look

and search what is wrong  

again

today

and give in to fear

and never eat bread again

because I have to lose weight

and eat more bread 

because I am a lost case anyway

and eat only vegetables

because it’s healthy

and not eat chocolate

and not drink coffee

and not smoke cigarettes

and not inject drugs

and be anorexic

and be bulimic

and hide

and believe everything you’re saying

as if that was the truth

and check emails 

before I check how I feel

and run to the cellular 

as if my life depended on this

and buy more

shoes

clothes

books

food

shoes

clothes

books

food

‘cause maybe the next dress 

is the right one

and that’s exactly the one I was missing

to be finally Perfect

and forget that this is not possible

because there is no such thing

and if there is – I am already perfect as I am 

and hate myself

and fix myself

every day

and marry because one should

and divorce because it’s right

and get confused

‘cause how the hell should you behave

and agree

and rebel

and give up

and go to bed again with no thought

and make love to you with no emotion

and get up in the morning rotten

and step out of bed into the mirror

and find out that I have not changed for the better

and only changed for the worse

and think that someone knows better than me

what is good for me

and not hear my pain

and not believe myself

And all this in the name of Belonging

I will not agree any more

that I talk to you like this

and tell you what is right

and preach to you how you should

and educate you to obey

and teach you to kill

and be cruel

and be tough

and be right

and ignore

and lie

and threat

and humiliate

and torture

and not hear your pain

and not believe yourself

and not listen

and not allow

and not smile

and not dance

and not

and not caress

and not love

And all this in the name of Safety